Everything I Watched in 2023
76 Movies, 2 Limited Series & 1 Season of Television
THE FABELMANS (2022)
So deftly, this film explores the power that art has over us humans, and how their art affects the artist. By this description, one would think that this teeters on the edge of self-indulgence on Spielberg’s part, but it simply never comes close. It’s subtle. It’s efficient. A master’s hand is at work here, telling his story with brushstrokes so smooth that they’re invisible in the portrait that he’s painting for us.
THE BLING RING (2013)
I had a single solitary thought the whole runtime: This cannot exist in the era of Ring cameras and dashcams.
The dialogue in this movie was so horrendous, it made the whole cast look like they’ve never performed in front of a camera in their entire lives — the sole exception being Taissa Farmiga, who looks like she may have some talent. These characters are not only infuriating, they’re unbearably obnoxious. If they entered one more home and that fucking dude said “we should get out of here” (done simply to add a crumb of conflict or tension to the scene) one more time, I was going to lose my mind.
I hated everything about this movie. But I’m not dense enough to miss the fact that that’s entirely the point.
THE BEGUILED (2017)
This movie had me feeling absolutely nothing until Colin Farrell snatched that turtle and chucked him across the room. That happened an hour in and lasted no more than five seconds. Then I went back to feeling nothing until the credits mercifully started rolling.
TICK, TICK… BOOM! (2021)
I turn thirty years old next month — it’s 30/23. That is only one reason why I’m rewatching this movie yet again — my third viewing since its release. I listen to the soundtrack to this movie like it’s one of my favorite albums, and still, I crave this movie in a way unlike any other movie that has come out in recent memory. It was made for my heart and soul. I love it so damn much.
Previously Reviewed in 2022 & 2021
BABYLON (2022)
Let me tell you something: I would have been going nuts for this film if it were forty minutes shorter — and believe me, it could have been forty minutes shorter.
I loved the micro: Watching each of these characters make a name for themselves, paving their way through Hollywood, or hanging on for dear life as Hollywood tries to push them away. I loved the macro: Watching as Damien Chazelle built this love letter to the movies while showing its not-so-glamorous underbelly — how the business is handled, and how every human being is handled too.
The scenes on set were some of my favorite scenes of the entire year. It was so satisfying watching the war picture culminate in the filmmakers getting the perfect shot and having the movie come together after a half hour of absolute unadulterated chaos. Later on, it was immediately recognizable and hilarious watching the filmmakers get frustrated by all of the troubles that come with talkies, working with microphones in sound stages with a crew.
Near the end, I was thinking about how much more I loved the parts of this movie, as opposed to the whole. But then, Chazelle did a wonderful job wrapping this up, bringing Manny back to Los Angeles after decades away, watching him as he sees how much things have changed, and how much of his life (and the story of this film) built the foundation for everything he was seeing then and everything that we’re seeing now (including Babylon itself).
SING STREET (2016)
The dedication at the end reads “For Brothers Everywhere” — and what a fitting dedication that is.
This story is about a boy chasing his dreams, finding joy in his art when the rest of his world is falling apart. There’s also a romantic subplot which is quite satisfying to watch develop. But the beating heart of this film is the relationship between these two brothers — the older one doing everything in his power to give his baby brother a chance at the life he never had but always wanted.
GEMINI (2017)
I stopped watching another movie halfway through, then watched this instead. I wasn’t enjoying that first movie. But after watching this movie to completion, I found myself wishing I’d just finished the first movie I wasn’t enjoying instead of moving on to this one.
LEAGUE OF LEGENDS: ORIGINS (2019)
I spent my entire Saturday, after a long week of work, playing ranked games on League of Legends, only to end my Saturday watching this documentary about the early days of the global phenomenon and uncategorized narcotic known as League of Legends.
YOU PEOPLE (2023)
The romance at the center here is a hollow frame for all the comedy to take place around. We sped through the actual relationship (six months), and picked up at the proposal, and therefore, never got the time to give a shit about this relationship. The comedy got better as the movie went along, but never quite lost its cringe — I didn’t think I was going to survive the cringe in the beginning; I had to tough it out for a half hour.
SUPER SIZE ME (2004)
I’ve seen this documentary enough times for each of its sections to trigger a profound sense of recognition within me through its entire runtime.
This is a damning portrait of what the fast food industry is doing to us — and how our eating habits are going to shit, individually and systemically, with no signs of slowing.
SUPER SIZE ME 2: HOLY CHICKEN (2017)
This sequel documentary is not nearly as damning of its subject matter as its predecessor. But this isn’t because Morgan Spurlock pulled punches this time around. I think it’s because the focus of this documentary isn’t quite as sharp as it needed to be in order to adequately sink its investigatory claws into its subject (or rather, subjects).
THE LAST OF US: Season 1 (2023)
If you want to adapt a piece of intellectual property that’s beloved by so many, this show laid out the roadmap for how to do it. If possible, hire the original creator as the showrunner, so there can be a consistent vision, and if changes need to be made to the story, it’s the original creator making them. If they don’t have much experience in Hollywood, attach a partner, preferably one that’s acclaimed as a writer on previous work. That partner should, above all else, be a huge fan of the source material; that way, every decision along the way is coming from a place of love for the story at hand.
This show was destined to be a hit because it checked all of the above boxes. What stood out to me the most was all of the changes these two writers made to the source material, and how successfully they implemented those changes. Sure, the original story is phenomenal, but they added to that phenomenal story with new material of the same quality. Every writer dreams of getting a second crack at their work; Neil Druckmann got his second crack, and with the help of Chernobyl’s Craig Mazin, he knocked it out of the park.
SCREAM VI (2023)
I had fun, as expected — even if, as usual, I did not care for the killer's reveal. Now, I need Melissa Barrera's Sam Carpenter to embrace the mask, turning into the serial killer while justifying the killings to herself in a way the audience can get behind having seen what she's been through. This will put her at odds with Jenna Ortega's Tara, who was finally given the blessing by her sister to be free to take on this dangerous world without being tucked, against her will, under her sister's wing.
HAMILTON (2020)
If I had to bet which piece of content on any streamer I would have rewatched most ten years from now, I'm willing to put down my meager life's savings that this filmed June 2016 performance of Hamilton on Disney Plus would be that piece of content.
Previously Reviewed in 2020
RED ROCKET (2021)
I couldn't take my eyes off of any of the characters in this film. It could be because they're all fascinating in their actions and behaviors, or because of the way the actors and their performances were shot, which is a compliment now wholly expected for a film by Sean Baker. The answer, of course, is a combination of the two.
SHERLOCK HOLMES (2009)
I expected to watch this with my brain turned off while it played in the background. Turns out, Robert Downey Jr. was too entertaining to look away from for long. He kept me adequately engaged as the plot worked to shake me loose.
DAISY JONES & THE SIX (2023)
Look, I haven’t read the book yet (I plan to soon), but I can tell I would have the same pacing complaints that I always do with adaptations. There are a lot of subplots in this show that take up a considerable amount of screen time. This helps flesh out some of the the characters and relationships, building them up to be more than carboard cutouts in the background of every scene, but it also spreads the show too thin, taking away valuable time for the main plots and relationships here. There’s no winning in this scenario. It’s a near impossible task to faithfully and satisfyingly adapt a novel with an ensemble cast into a ten-episode limited series.
On the other hand, however, there were a few tropes I don’t love in this that are mainly tropes in popular novels. I won’t elaborate too much on this because I haven’t read the book yet, but I bet there were a few complaints I had in the show’s storyline that I would also have for the novel.
All of that being said, I had a good time. I have a soft spot for music-themed stories, especially ones about bands. The performances were good — Riley Keough was magnetic. The production value was excellent. It was nice to look at. While my concerns about the pacing of this show as an adaptation remain, the pacing of the show as a piece of television meant to hold my attention was quite well crafted — I was always ready to hit “Play Next” and I was never bored while watching. All things considered, this is a well-made set of ten episodes which tried its best to adapt a popular novel that your mom and your cousin and your great aunt all read — take that how you will.
DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES (2014)
Very few blockbusters I’ve seen in my life do a better job at making everybody’s arguments sound like the correct one, with the stakes so high no less. I struggled with every critical decision the same way the characters did, unsure of what I would do while they weighed the options themselves. I empathized with their motivations and their regrets. The character work in this big-budget action picture is genuinely remarkable.
By the time the antagonist of this story is established, you understand why he did what he did, and you can even appreciate how he went about doing it. His rise and his fall were deeply rooted in character. The villain’s arc is the most interesting one here — that’s usually a good sign I enjoyed the movie. This movie happens to be one of my favorites.
THE BIG SHORT (2015)
When Mark Baum says “BOOM” with 15 minutes left in the movie, my brain gets flooded with dopamine. The analogy was set up earlier and was reinforced over and over again by the events leading up to the economic collapse of 2008. It’s so well executed, and makes the initiation of one of our lifetime’s darkest periods almost satisfying to watch.
Previously Reviewed in 2021
THE LITTLE MERMAID (2023)
They felt the need to repeatedly bash us over the head with Ariel’s motivations for her actions because there are still morons out there who think she traded the ocean and her voice for a man.
SANCTUARY (2022)
This is the wildest, most toxic therapy session I’ve ever witnessed in my life. My head is still spinning and I wasn’t even the target of all the manipulation — well, not the primary target at least.
UNPRECEDENTED (2022)
Watching this in the middle of a Succession binge is really quite the trip. Not exactly a pallet-cleanser.
SPIDER-MAN: ACROSS THE SPIDER-VERSE (2023)
It’s not hyperbolic praise to say that every second of this film — every single frame — is exciting. Yes, exciting is the word I feel the need to use. I don’t know what I’m going to get when we cut to the next shot, but I know it’s going to fill me with pure unadulterated joy. The craftsmanship and care on display here is enough to blow the minds of casual moviegoers and film snobs alike.
Oh, I should also add that the story being told here is layered, emotional, deep, light when it needs to be and dark when it needs to be. I was incredibly frustrated when the credits rolled. I wasn’t fully satisfied, in the exact way you’re not fully satisfied when you reach the last page of the story in a comic book you’re enjoying (this was done intentionally, obviously). I just want more — so much more. I want to live in this universe for hours on end.
ALMOST FAMOUS (2000)
One of those "I'm in for the ride" movies. From the start, I was strapped in, ready to go wherever this film wanted to take me. I'm a sucker for stories about a band, so it didn't need to be a masterpiece to keep me watching. I do feel like this could have been elevated to another level, however. Precisely how they could have done that, I'm not quite sure at this time — but I know it didn't quite feel fully mined for emotion.
HARVEY (1950)
I'm going to use this review to recommend John Green's anthology of essays: The Anthropocene Reviewed. He had a deeply powerful story in there chronicling a depressive episode he'd had years ago, which led him to losing his relationship, putting in his resignation at work, and dangerously living off of two-liters of Sprite. His boss at the time didn't, in fact, let him quit his job, and instead, recommended he take a hiatus and prescribed him this 1950 film, Harvey.
John also told this story, condensed into a four-minute Vlogbrothers video, on October 29th 2013 — just to show how much this story has meant to him and his mental health journey over the years.
Every time John tells this story, he quotes the mentally-unstable yet delightful protagonist of this film, Elwood P. Dowd. The line that profoundly affected him goes as follows: "Years ago, my mother used to say to me, 'In this world, you can be oh so smart or oh so pleasant.' Well, for years I was smart... I recommend pleasant."
This film gives everyone struggling with mental illness, no matter what form it may take, permission to accept it as a part of who they are and to proceed being a wonderful human in spite of it. It is for these reasons that I now recommend this film to you, just like John Green did to me, and like his boss did to him.
STEVE JOBS (2015)
It's quite the remarkable feat to make a film comprised entirely of dialogue this entertaining. It's split into three chapters, but I could easily sit through another two or three of these before feeling like it had overstayed its welcome.
EDGE OF TOMORROW (2014)
This is an impeccably crafted military science-fiction Groundhog Day, which manages to skirt a lot of the pitfalls that come with stories in every one of the subcategories I just named. I don't revisit this film very often, but I'm always surprised by just how good it is every time.
ELVIS (2022)
I stand by what I said in my first review: This film does a good job at keeping me entertained enough to not overanalyze its flaws (especially its runtime). I didn't think of this at the time, but upon rewatching it in my living room, I realized those qualities suit it very well for viewings at home, when you're bored, too tired for anything mentally stimulating, and just need something to watch on a rainy day.
Previously Reviewed in 2022
ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD (2019)
What's there to say at this point? This is really and truly one of my favorite movies of all time — and I did not see that coming back in 2019.
Previously Reviewed in 2020 and 2021
THE MAP OF TINY PERFECT THINGS (2021)
When these Young Adult films have a firm grasp on their own reins, I tend to eat them up. It's when they get too corny or when they don't actually develop a heartbeat of their own that they become intolerable. This one falls in the former category, as it certainly has a pulse beyond the familiar Groundhog Day premise.
A MAN CALLED OTTO (2022)
This went just about exactly how I assumed it would from start to finish. That's not to say it was a bad movie — it might actually be decently crafted. It just didn't do anything for me.
AIR (2023)
This is a solid motion picture. The kind of movie you click on and watch after you've been scrolling Netflix for ninety-three minutes without actually pressing play on anything. The performances are solid. The script is solid. The direction is solid. It's tight. The beats are hit with adequate punch. It's a fine film orbiting around one of the sports world's most transcendent talents.
DO REVENGE (2022)
This feels like it had the makings of a potential cult classic, but it never actually reached any of the high bars it set up for itself. It shot for the moon but fell remarkably short. Hey, maybe it'll land on a star, where somebody might find it and fall in love with everything it was going for, even if it never stuck the landing on any of it.
THE FLASH (2023)
This movie was originally due to be released on March 23rd 2018. Perhaps there’s a strand of the multiverse where it did come out on that date, and it was a smash hit for the DCEU. Maybe it would have felt fresh and interesting. Maybe it would have held powerful stakes for a popular character in the midst of their development over several films. Maybe it would have been the lynchpin for compelling stories to be told revolving around everyone’s favorite DC superheroes.
Instead, this movie was released in the summer of 2023 — a few years after a video surfaced online which appeared to show Ezra Miller choking a woman in Iceland, a week or two after Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse released to stellar reviews and box office numbers, a few months after a film centered around a multiverse won Best Picture at the Academy Awards, and less than one year after James Gunn and Peter Safran signed on to reboot the DC Cinematic Universe. The strand of the multiverse that this movie was released in was probably its worst case scenario. Maybe that’s why it felt so pointless and devoid of any real stakes.
I don’t think this is a bad movie. I think a lot of it worked just fine (especially the setup and pay-off surrounding the can of tomatoes — that was wonderful). This movie is just a tragic victim of its circumstances.
EVIL DEAD (2013)
This movie’s secret weapon isn’t the blood pouring down from the heavens, or the tendons tearing from an arm as it’s ripped out, or any of the other horrific visuals on display here. It isn’t some ingenious plot or creative spin on the genre. This movie’s secret weapon is making us actually give the slightest shit about its characters.
ASTEROID CITY (2023)
Often (if not always), it feels like Wes Anderson creates too much distance between me and his movies — as if they’re too stimulating for me to get fully immersed in his stories. But sometimes, his movies are just plain entertaining enough to keep me engaged from start to finish, even if I never really lose myself in them.
This film fits both of those descriptions for me. It was certainly a lot to take in on first viewing, but it was also quite a good time — with compelling performances, spectacular (as expected) visual appeal, and a pieced-together narrative purposefully broken up to tell a singular well-paced story with many moving parts.
ELEMENTAL (2023)
There’s not a single unique idea on display here. It’s a mish-mosh of tired clichés stacked on top of each other, without ever adding up to anything coherent. It’s like a brainstorming session at Pixar come to life (one that starts with someone saying, “There are no bad ideas”). I don’t think the movie even knows what it wants to be about — it switches central themes multiple times. I’m genuinely surprised this story made it through a developmental stage, let alone production, let alone exhibition.
SPIDER-MAN: INTO THE SPIDER-VERSE (2018)
Between this (and its sequel), Arcane, Castlevania, Cyberpunk: Edgerunners, Arcane, Mitchells vs the Machines, Disney, Pixar, Arcane, etc, I think I’m at the stage of my life where my default favorite way a story can be told is now through animation.
I think about my favorite fantasy novels and I don’t find myself wishing they get live action adaptations anymore — I want animated adaptations for them. The possibilities in animation are endless and that’s really been exciting the shit out of me these past few years.
THE SOCIAL NETWORK (2010)
Mark Zuckerberg’s name seems to be on the tip of everybody’s tongue these days. Some of these people are talking about him like he’s some kind of messiah, which is really freakin’ weird. Anyway, it’s for these reasons I felt a rewatch was in order.
This is arguably my favorite film of all time. When somebody asks me to name a perfect movie, I name this one. Everything is immaculately executed. Direction. Writing. Acting. Cinematography. Score. Editing. Everything. It’s beautiful. It moves like a freight train. It’s funny. It sings. It’s entertaining. It’s perfect.
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SPIDER-MAN: ACROSS THE SPIDER-VERSE (2023)
It makes me so mad that this movie isn’t eight hours long. Honestly, I can’t imagine the fucking nerve. I had to go back for seconds during its theatrical run to spend another two plus hours in this world, with these characters. This film excites me in a way I can’t remember feeling in a long, long time. I don’t just like it. I don’t just appreciate the artistry on display. This film genuinely excites me.
NO HARD FEELINGS (2023)
What percentage of romantic comedies are of the “was any of this real” variety? I want the data on that.
The emotional arcs in this movie don’t quite work on any level. It isn’t particularly hilarious either. But I’ll say this much: It really tries. The character substance doesn’t feel like an afterthought, even if none of it quite succeeds. This movie doesn’t shoot for a laugh a minute, so it not being hilarious isn’t a death sentence — it certainly isn’t cringe. And even if the character stuff doesn’t come all the way together, I really appreciate the effort. Jennifer Lawrence kept this ship afloat, almost single-handedly.
THE LITTLE MERMAID (2023)
The first time I saw this movie, it triggered a full-blown existential crisis within me. I had to go see it again to confirm my findings — my feelings haven’t changed.
I’ll try to get to the point as fast as possible, but I could dig deeper and deeper on this topic until my fingers are sore from typing — maybe one day I will, for the sake of getting my ducks fully in a row on this subject.
I really like this remake. Like, I really, really like it. I think I like it as much as I like the original. And the original is my favorite classic Disney movie of all time. I’m committing blasphemy by saying what I’m saying right now, I know. At least, it feels like I am. These thoughts are what started me down this mental spiral that led to my existential crisis.
Perhaps it isn’t the movie (The Little Mermaid, 1989) that I like as much as I do. Maybe it’s the story that I love so much. We all watch movies but we don’t often think of them merely as vessels with which stories are delivered. We think of all the other things that come with the motion picture: The acting, the directing, the cinematography, editing, music, etc. But these things are just the tools we use to get the story across. Sometimes we hear people say “story is most important”, but I don’t think we hear it enough. Story isn’t just the most important thing. The story is everything. There is nothing else.
How many movies do you press play on simply to admire one of its technical aspects. Do you ever kick back after a long day and say to yourself, “I’m going to grab a beer and watch La La Land for the cinematography”, or The Social Network for the score, or Silence of the Lambs for the acting. Only cinematographers would say the first. Only musicians would say the second. And only actors would say the third. I just used five Oscar winners to make my point.
This is a long-winded (and somehow not nearly long enough) way of saying that when we fall in love with a movie, I think we’re really just falling in love with the story being told. The story can be told poorly if the technical aspects aren’t firing on all cylinders, so having talented people in charge of helping to get the story on the screen is absolutely invaluable. But at the end of the day, the story is all that matters. Sometimes, something about the story is so near and dear to a person’s heart that the technical aspects don’t hinder the viewer’s experience at all.
I love the story of Disney’s The Little Mermaid. The original is my favorite of their classic animated motion pictures. The remake improves on it in many ways, and doesn’t quite live up to the original in some others. But the story wasn’t changed in any way that made me dislike the story being told here. So, in conclusion, I loved this remake. I’m glad I got to see it twice in theaters. I’m going to buy it digitally when it becomes available, and I’m going to watch it many more times in the future.
BARBIE (2023)
One of the best comedies I’ve seen in years (I don’t watch many comedies. I don’t like comedies). It got quite a few genuine chuckles out of me, and I found myself smiling through whole sequences.
I do feel the need to emphasize one thing though: This should absolutely be pitched as a comedy based on the popular doll, nothing more — and that’s okay. It has too much heart to be a classified alongside dumb comedies, but not enough cohesive thoughts strung together to be considered anything more than a big-budget, thoroughly entertaining, well-paced comedy.
OPPENHEIMER (2023)
This is one of those three-hour movies that you feel every minute of. But that's not to say that watching it ever becomes a torturous experience. Quite the contrary. It's due to that plodding pace that you feel how subtly this passion project transformed into something so colossal and so destructive in so many ways. And while that's happening, our protagonist transforms too: from a scientist, to a professor, to a project manager, to a politician, to the destroyer of worlds. This biopic felt like a masterful limited series that I had the pleasure of watching in one sitting on a screen big enough to project the gravity of its subject matter.
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES: MUTANT MAYHEM (2023)
I feel like I’ve seen this exact climax at least four times before in my life. That being said, this is yet another example of us being in a glorious era for animated filmmaking. The style here doesn’t pander to children with cute designs or pristine cityscapes. The people look deformed. The locations are grimy. They had a vision in mind and they executed on it. I love that.
GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY: VOL. 3 (2023)
I haven’t wanted to protect an animal character so badly since Hiccup in How to Train Your Dragon.
I think this is the closest a Marvel movie has ever gotten to making me cry. And it almost got me there MULTIPLE TIMES! This film’s got heart — which is certainly not par for the course in this genre.
SPIDER-MAN (2002)
I can’t believe James Cameron’s Aquaman surpassed this masterpiece’s box office records. Tobey Maguire continues to be a legend among the masses. Nobody even knows who Vincent Chase is these days. This is and forever will be one of cinema’s greatest mysteries.
A HAUNTING IN VENICE (2023)
This was the first of the three that I went in having not read the book beforehand. Interestingly enough, I had the same feeling I had with the other two: The film blitzes through the mystery at such a rigorous pace that by the time our detective protagonist is laying out his findings and revealing whodunnit, you're shocked to find out 100 minutes have already gone by. These movies ride a fascinatingly fine line, being so lean that it feels impossible that they could contain a satisfying mystery, but alas, they very much do.
The editing and composition of shots, along with the sprinkling of horror elements, made for an ever-so-slightly uncomfortable viewing experience (working in unison to benefit the film), sending this third Poirot/Branagh adaptation in a slightly new direction to keep it fresh.
HERCULES (1997)
Rewatching these classic Disney movies reminds me of this uncanny phenomenon where my subconscious has every frame of these films memorized at an emotional level. Like, I feel the memory of these films in my core when I watch them, even if I can't tell you exactly what happens in the next few seconds. My conscious brain says, "Oh yeah, I forgot how cool this scene was", but my subconscious brain is saying, "This left an impression on you at a young age that has been here forever."
Previously Reviewed in 2020
THE MITCHELLS VS. THE MACHINES (2021)
I use a version of this phrase here and there when I'm sharing my thoughts on a film I just watched: "It's really clear to me that the filmmakers were having fun while making this."
Since seeing this movie for the first time, this is the one that comes to mind when I think of that statement.
Previously Reviewed in 2021
THE LEGO BATMAN MOVIE (2017)
I can't help but feel like this movie should have spawned a whole host of LEGO movies that parody (and at the same time, give due justice and respect toward) iconic characters in pop culture. But, you know, rights...
THE FALL OF THE HOUSE OF USHER (2023)
For his five years with Netflix, Mike Flanagan has done with the horror genre exactly what makes this genre my favorite to explore and to exhibit. From what I understand, his run with the streamer ends with this tale of greed and legacy. Here’s hoping he continues making shows of this quality, in this genre, with whoever he works with next.
THE MUMMY (2017)
We open with a Princess making a deal with the devil, committing infanticide, and being buried alive — then we cut to Jake Johnson and Tom Cruise cracking jokes and reciting cringeworthy, childish dialogue while bullets are flying and bombs are dropping from fighter jets.
Later, there’s a scene where Tom is having an argument with the hallucination of Jake’s rotted corpse (who Cruise shot to death earlier), during which they joke about this argument taking place in a women’s bathroom. This is followed by another hallucination — one where Tom is overwhelmed by an army of rats while being hunted down by a zombified mummy in search of souls to feed on.
It continues like this through to the end credits. This movie is a tonal catastrophe. Oh, and it’s boring as all hell.
FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL (2008)
What makes this comedy uniquely appealing is that Jason Segel has a solo writing credit on it. This movie is at its best when Segel’s Peter Bretter is the butt of the joke, when the spotlight is on his deepest insecurities. Segel doesn’t hold back on himself, by any stretch of the imagination, and that’s what makes this film stand out among its peers in this mediocre genre.
HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER’S STONE (2001)
I’ve seen this movie countless times, which means I’ve grown quite accustomed to seeing the scenes come in a very specific order. Today was my first viewing of the extended edition. It was so weird seeing new scenes between the ones I’ve memorized over the years.
Previously Reviewed in 2020 and 2021
HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS (2002)
I don’t think this is the worst movie out of the eight, but it continues to be the one I least look forward to watching. I always remember it being worse than it is whenever I decide to revisit this series of films.
Previously Reviewed in 2020
GLADIATOR (2000)
I was thoroughly entertained! I’m glad it lived up to decades of expectations. I loved the performances, the production design, the lighting, and (holy moly) the score.
Joaquin Phoenix brought so much to the role of Commodus. Few actors could exude the pathetic weakness necessary for the character while also bringing the desperation needed to make him so utterly menacing.
THE KILLER (2023)
I don’t think I’ve ever felt like I shared the same world as a murderer protagonist in a movie before. And it’s not just the banana and Ensure he consumes while killing time in a car, or the McDonalds he eats or Starbucks he drinks or the online shopping he does on Amazon. It’s mostly the fact that he’s a flawed human and a flawed killer. We spend time in his head as he tries to convince himself (and us) that he’s exactly as buttoned-up as he needs to be in order to be great. But we see how messy he is, mentally and physically. We see how much he messes up, emotionally and practically. He fucked up at work and doesn’t want to pay the consequences — that’s as relatable as it gets.
WISH (2023)
Listen, I had a good time. It’s not long. The protagonist is really easy to follow — she has clear motivations and admirable characteristics. The songs are good — I was humming them out of the theater and on my drive home. I think if this really nailed the climax and the ending, it would be received far more positively.
The climax didn’t make much sense at all, unfortunately. And, honestly, the rest of the movie wasn’t good enough to make up for it. The whole film sort of hinged on what ended up being this story’s biggest shortcoming.
GODZILLA MINUS ONE (2023)
By pure chance, I'm seeing this film in the same week that I finished The Bomber Mafia by Malcolm Gladwell. This movie really feels like the delectable dessert to the hearty entrée served by Gladwell. In fact, remarkably, this film almost picks up exactly where the book ended.
I think one of the biggest compliments you can give a monster movie is that you almost forgot about the monster while the movie was taking place. That certainly was the case here, as I was fully invested in this story of three survivors who band together to create a family in the aftermath of the destruction of their homes and everything they knew during World War II. Of course, however, Godzilla was pretty cool too.
I feel the need to mention the fact that this film was made on a budget of 15 million dollars, while Godzilla (2014) cost upwards of 160 million dollars. I really liked both movies. Do with this information what you will.
HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN (2004)
The scene where Sirius, Pettigrew, and Lupin are reunited is such great drama. So many storylines converging, coming to a head. So many answers. So many new questions. The plot for the entire series pivots at that point.
Previously Reviewed in 2020
THE BOY AND THE HERON (2023)
I, too, would have completely lost my mind if my mom died in a fire when I was an adolescent.
EILEEN (2023)
If I were to describe a couple things that are said to have happened or actually occurred in this movie, you’d be surprised when I say the following statement: I loved how this film seemed to consistently subvert expectations by being tame with creative choices, instead of choosing the most shocking or dramatic option available every time — and it’s due to this restraint that the choices made felt like so interesting.
These choices made this feel like it could have been faithfully adapted from a true story, this film about a mid-twenties girl desperate for some kind of meaning in her life.
NIMONA (2023)
“I don’t know what’s scarier: The fact that everyone in this Kingdom wants to run a sword through my heart, or that sometimes, I just want to let them.”
One does not have to be a shape-shifter or a mustache-twirler to be considered a monster or a villain. Those titles (and the like) are used as weapons against those society seeks to ostracize — needing nothing more than the slightest bit of slander to rally other people behind. And if labeled one of the above for long enough, knowing you’re not, knowing your heart is pure, one might feel this world was not meant for people like them — maybe they might feel it’s best to see themselves out of it, or maybe they might feel the need to prove everyone right out of weariness from resisting.
Stories like this aren’t made about such characters. People like this exist, and stories like this are told to make sure those that are pure of heart continue fighting the good fight, that they continue to believe that their place in the world is one that can make it better. I’m really glad stories like this exist.
THE SUPER MARIO BROS MOVIE (2023)
They clearly made a concerted effort to find a way to weave every conceivable Super Mario easter egg into anything that resembled a coherent story. I respect it.
NAPOLEON (2023)
I decided to see this film in theaters before it began streaming, and I’m glad that I did. This movie’s strengths are best experienced in the cinema. Had I watched it at home, laying in bed, the uneven storytelling and remarkably hollow character-work would have overwhelmed my experience with this.
I’m genuinely unsure what this movie is supposed to be about. It’s clearly not a film about Napoleon Bonaparte as a leader, or a politician, or a general. I think the goal of this film was to highlight parallels between his tumultuous military life and that of his time with the love of his life — but that relationship was simply too shallow for us to care. In fact, I don’t feel like I know Josephine at all, even though the entire film practically revolved around her.
MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: DEAD RECKONING, PART 1 (2023)
There is so much going on. I comprehended maybe twenty percent of it, if that — but this egregious complexity is the goal for these movies, I suspect. There was so much running. So many tires screeching. So many knives, and no one that could find pay-dirt with it. So many beautiful people. No idea how they filmed half this stuff — props to everyone involved. That sequence with the falling train was exhilarating. I don’t quite understand how people are liking this one more than Fallout, but god bless, to each their own — these movies have never been my cup of tea anyway, so that take won’t be a hill I find myself dying on.
YOU HURT MY FEELINGS (2023)
This sounds cliché, but it’s true: Getting punched in the gut and receiving a bad review on your writing feels exactly the same at the time, and the latter feels way worse over time.
At some point, the movie was not-so-subtly drawing a parallel between your significant other secretly giving your work a bad review and them having an affair. It sounds absolutely ridiculous, but this, too, feels bizarrely accurate.
This is a quiet movie filled with people just chit-chatting — I wouldn’t even call what they’re doing “talking”, frankly. Niche observations in the chitting and the chatting like the one above made this film a pure joy for this writer to watch.
THEATER CAMP (2023)
Let me find out Joan, Still doesn’t get nominated at the 77th Tony Awards next year…
HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE (2005)
I’m a quarter Hufflepuff according to Wizarding World, so it’s never easy watching one of my people be murdered in cold blood. It’s always shocking being reminded of just how unceremoniously he is killed — in the blink of an eye, then Voldemort rubs the nasty sole of his foot on the kid’s face.
Previously Reviewed in 2020
BOTTOMS (2023)
This movie is so utterly ridiculous and so easy to enjoy. It’s genuinely hilarious — the jokes were fearless. The characters are fun to follow. The themes are well developed amid the absurdity. This should be a nominee for the Horny High School Comedy hall of fame.
POOR THINGS (2023)
A renowned, beloved professor I had in film school once said that all films, in some way, are about identity. In the same vein, countless films are specifically about what it means to be human. Few films, however, investigate that line of inquiry quite as potently as this one does.
There’s so much to digest and dissect with this motion picture that I don’t feel as though I’m capable of doing the latter without first doing the former. I’m fresh out the cinema, and I imagine this movie will be fresh in my mind for some time to come.
THE INCREDIBLE HULK (2008)
I’m seeing people on here talking about how it’s easy to see why audiences despised this movie, coming right after the release of Iron Man. I see others calling it the worst film in the MCU, that there’s a damn good reason why it’s the forgotten child, the black sheep.
While I do agree it’s not a good movie, by any means, I think the character that was introduced in the first fifteen minutes makes this movie tolerable. We see the kind of person Bruce Banner is. We see his heart. We see what he’s willing to do to survive, to keep people safe as he finds a way to fix what has happened to him. He’s a guy doing all the right things, forced against his will into causing destruction by a government he’s afraid wants to use his curse as a weapon. The guy in the beginning of this movie is easy to root for — and that, in and of itself, makes the above statements feel ridiculous.
PAST LIVES (2023)
I don’t remember the last time a film had me hanging on to every word the way this one did. The silences were excruciating: A million and one thoughts running through the characters’ minds as they calculate what they want to say, if they want to say it — and if so, then how.
As Nora’s husband lays in bed describing how beautiful the love story we’re all watching is, he’s describing it like one that would be written for a book or a movie. But the one that we actually got on film felt far closer to how things would play out in real life: Awkward moments, messy emotions, spiraling thoughts of what could have been, what still may be. There were no easy answers. There were no fireworks, in conflict or in celebration. And yet, there was electricity running through every frame. You felt the weight of the whole world between every sentence.
ANYONE BUT YOU (2023)
At this stage in the rom-com timeline, it’s difficult to figure out if this movie is an under-cooked romantic comedy in the year 2023, or if it’s an unabashed nod to romantic comedies of the past — filled with all of the tropes that lovers of the rom-com would find cozy and delicious.
I can’t criticize a movie like this for feeling like a first draft, like the starting point of a story that has real potential to be something great. I can’t do that because what feels like a first draft to me might be precisely what people crave when they buy a ticket to see this movie.
If being an unabashed nod to romantic comedies of the past was the goal here, I have to say it’s a success. It checked all of the boxes, had me grinning throughout, and had me humming Natasha Bedingfield all the way to my car.
ANATOMY OF A FALL (2023)
Two and a half hours of nearly non-stop dialogue, a large portion of which was in a language I don’t understand. And yet, I couldn’t be more riveted, from beginning to end.
Even more remarkably, the events on trial here aren’t even all that extravagant — not exactly the makings of a cinematic event. A man dies, and the lives of his surviving family are sent into disrepair: A woman must defend her innocence and her character, her place in a troubled marriage, and her track-record as a mother; a boy is forced, at far too young an age, to learn ugly truths about his parents and to question everything he thought he knew about his father, his mother, himself, and his life.
THE IRON CLAW (2023)
Nothing like watching the newest entry in a genre I like to call “Feel Bad Movies That Make You Appreciate Your Loved Ones” during the holidays. And nothing like a movie filled with jacked, shredded men to make me feel horribly inadequate just before the New Year. This one might have me holding on to hugs from my family a second or two longer and have me walking through the doors to the gym I’ve been paying for and not going to, all in the same week.
MAY DECEMBER (2023)
Natalie Portman and Julianne Moore are so damn good, they had me squirming while watching this already discomforting story unfold. At times, I was wondering if it’s possible to die of cringe, then Todd Haynes did well to relieve the tension by having the movie make fun of itself. Quite the intricate balancing act at play here.
TARZAN (1999)
I don’t think it quite hits the emotional highs of some of the Disney movies that immediately preceded it, but the story is tight and the characters are—
What am I doing?
It’s a classic; I have nothing new to add to the discourse. Tarzan is him. Jane is bae. Phil Collins ate. More parents are crossed off of Disney’s hit list. The human race doesn’t completely suck this time around; just the ones with guns.
SHIN GODZILLA (2016)
There have been so many stories told revolving around this one character — I imagine I’d lose sleep trying to figure out a unique angle with which to attack this material. I didn’t know what I was getting into when I pressed play on this film, but a political-comedy would not have been high on my list of guesses.
The banter among colleagues was consistently engaging, even amusing (this movie is basically all dialogue between colleagues), but nothing could have prepared me for seeing Godzilla for the first time.
TAYLOR SWIFT: THE ERAS TOUR (2023)
I can’t think of a better way to close out this year than watching this extraordinary recording of that majestic performance by this goddess we’re blessed to call one of the voices of our generation.
